oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
