the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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