I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
