I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
