naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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