You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
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there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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