If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
it glows. i had to have it.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
