i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
