it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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