Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
It's rum buckets o'clock
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole