i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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