Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
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