plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
