I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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