Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My ass is underappreciated
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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