Betty ford says i'm here all night
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
