Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Randomize
