I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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