Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
