ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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