I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
