i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
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As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
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All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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