I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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