drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
