my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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