Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
