Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
