You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
