When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
