He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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