judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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