i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
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Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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