woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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