So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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