I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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