I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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