I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
