just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
