I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
