I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Randomize
