MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
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I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
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my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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