I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Is it penis luge time yet?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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