I seem to have left my pride at pride
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
