god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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