May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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