Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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