So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Randomize
