can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
