Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
im holly from the hills drunk
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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