this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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