I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
