ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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