He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
