I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
